As we close on the First 31 of 2011. I still often wonder....Why me? Why am I where I am today?
Mind you, its just two questions I ask myself, forget the answers, and remember them days later. Why me? Well, its pretty simple really, I'm under the impression I was put here to change people's universes one conversation at a time. Weather this is true or not, has yet to be seen. I've realized, that I have the doubled edged ability to create...modify...and destroy worlds as I see fit. We all live in our own little world, that continues to get smaller and smaller the more we realize that people out there know one another. To have people out there, who could change that just a little bit, can result in various results. The destruction of said worlds speaks for itself, just be mean, degrading, and down right rude. While they will still live on without you, there will be a scar placed in their world. Its definitely something I'm not too proud of. For I wish a many days, I could just have people be cool with me and I don't have to go there to do that to them...but...things happen for a reason.
Why am I where I am today? This is a hit or miss question to answer...since there are so many factors of why I'm doing alright and other factors of why I'm not. The short answer at this time, is due to my determination to win and trying really hard not to quit or give up before its all said and done.
The latter concept is one I try to pass onto others who are unfamiliar with how it works. There's quite a few friends of mine who want to give up before its over. Just call upon the negative and move on with their day. Another tough ability to acquire is turning a full on negative into something positive. It took me over 10 years to figure out that one, and I still struggle with it sometimes. It may be a little strange being outside the box...but you'll get used to it for the better I can assure you.
If I've learned all of this within the last 3 years, being half the person I used to be, I can only imagine what life will be like when I'm whole again. 35lbs lighter...that's for sure. :-P
I'll be making these kinds of posts in the near future pending how I feel while typing it up...
you'll get the nice girl keep thinking the way you do its smart and its right stop putting yourself last
put yourself first, i know it sounds selfish outloud but its the best thing you can do ... you have needs , desires and only you can meet them ... when you're feeling good and 100% you're more able to help others
give them the best of who you are - G.G.
Thanks lady, Our souls are connected even though we have never seen each other or even embraced. I'm very happy to have you as a friend, and I hope we will maintain this connection forever.
i'm supposed to be leading my experienced hand at a show in a couple weeks.
as it stands right now 9 days to be precise, i'm unofficial to work, or to spin at said show.
its very frustrating to me since i'm so used to a structured way of pre-show antics. we nail down details on who's down to work, what they can bring to the show, and how its going to be set up...a month or so in advance.
run it for anywhere between 2 to 4 days, pack up and go home. show well done. that doesn't seem to be the case for this event...
there are some on my lists who will know what i'm talking about, but for everyone else who doesn't know i'm not going to say specifics. for those who do know what i'm talking about...you are open to acknowledge my feelings on another source.
the best way for me to handle the situation has been said to say nothing negative at all, or if i plan to give negative feedback, have logical rhyme and reason on why i'm saying such things.
i don't know how capable i'll be of doing so should things turn aloof...so as it stands i'm going to try my best to walk away from destroying anyone that doesn't deserve it.
it's a flaw in my character i'm trying to use less of...and by trying, i mean reminding myself every 5 minutes to take a deep breath and keep my cool.
should i lose my cool, everything within my reach will be broken, hurt, or have some sort of noticeable damage upon it.
and i can't have that. i'm already feared and loved at the same time, i can't afford to have the fear escalate any higher than it already is.
for those who love me tho, wish me luck and keep me in your prayers. i feel i'll need all the help i can get that weekend...
I recently took a vacation to visit a buddy of mine in Oregon. I came back, oddly, with a newer view of my persona, feeling as if something new has become a part of me. What that addition is, i and others could ask, i have no clue...
i feel good. i mean really good. i made the grim realization that i have been the only person (as everyone has told me, years gone by) to stop myself from getting where i want to go.
albeit, this feeling shouldn't go questioned, but i feel obligated to know what was the origin. strange but true.
seeing as the feeling took this long to come about (24years and 10months, for those keeping score), the answer will most likely take just as long. not like it'll bother me to wait for such an answer or a perfect stranger to come along and say something to point me in the right direction.
none the less, i feel powerful, my aura is visible by my eye, and i'm sure can be felt by others and its not like in a rushed or in a super desperate mode, but in a cool relaxed 'i can handle this' mode.
i'm only hoping its not a phase but something that will stick with me. Alot of maybes and could bes float wildly aboot...at this time tho....i'm paying them no mind until the real answer surfaces.
wish me luck folks, who knows what will happen in that combo of mine known as mind body and soul.
i feel that it'll be a positive product regardless of scenario, seems its heading that direction as is.
so...i've been in the hunt for any japanese hip-hop or rap from the 80s & 90s, during the 'golden age' of rap, due to an idea that hit during a Fanimecon meeting.
while i was hunting around, i came across a couple articles that told how strong of an influence the style was over in the land of the raising sun. it told about how, japanese were exposed to african/african-american people back in the 16th century and was told by (who'd a guess this...) westerners that it was ok to deem them as subordinates.
so, that further proves how i've inquired where does it say in history black people are bad and are worthless? it was the man...straight up.
none the less, i guess this is one 'rumor' i can suppress. its true that japanese appreciate black people who their style and grace, there's no reason for me to believe they want to hate on us, more or less they wanna be a part of the 'cool kid' crowd. but yeah, i still need help locating any info, video or audio wise on the who's who in japanese rap. i mean i got dj krush, but i need more than that obviously.
this is the shit i need to hear about to give me hope in life...since sometimes it feels like all hope is lost.
friday, halloween, threw on my old karate gi as a backup costume for work. split shift worked, open for 4 hours, closed for 4 hours. no parties, no candy, bedtime: before Midnight. (a first in a long while)
saturday, worked open to close, went to the S.H.A.G.'s 1st Annual Resident Evil 'Charity' Marathon. got there around 9pm, Big O was on his 38th hour...i tagged myself in right before the end of the first disc of Resident Evil:Code Veronica and proceeded to sit there for 11hrs to finish that up for the team.
Sunday, left S.H.A.G. HQ around 11am, during the beginning of Resident Evil Zero, handled business at the house, napped, and awoke to a scoreless raider game.
and for the record, i hate standard time. oh well, maybe it'll be better as the years pass.
last year i was en route to having a girlfriend. this year i am becoming a 'spray hitter' and taking it all base hits over the field.
November gaming forecast: Busy with a chance of Burning tires, Blown Amps, and broken tables.
SvR 09 Need for Speed Undercover Beatmania IIDX: DJ Troopers
the 09 season should be promising.
under 60 days left of 08, such a strange and yet well learned year of events. i look forward to the next challenging lesson learned.
there are parts in our lives that hurt us...more so than any cut, more so than set of words or set of painful movements. its that part of our lives that we can't live without and we feel it can't live without us.
for some, its food, others sex, and less trivial things like reading, walking or simply breathing.
mine...heh, mine is riding the winds on the highway.
its not even so much of a thrill as it is, something that makes me feel more alive inside and out. pushing the four wheels in timely unison with hand, eye and foot coordination, puts me at ease. the current grim reality of it is, i am without my car for blindly chasing a woman around, without even taking myself into consideration. my wants, my needs, my aspirations were replaced with the wholesome(or what i felt at that time) physical tender love and care. foolish was i to think that such wonderful things didn't come without a hefty price.
now...that i'm alone (in the companion sense) with a vast field of majority ahead of me, and my ex trailing ever so closely behind me, boosted up through the hard wired mainframe to her mind's content, i often wonder many questions such as where am i going? what am i doing? is this the proper way to go? the answers to such questions is uncertain. the answer that resides profoundly, is the concept that me and my da9, my other half of myself thats irreplaceable, will ride the winds once again, with new poise, new valor and new purpose.
the depression of this reality, is the question involved. up until this point, i've always wanted an answer, always needed to acquire knowledge to find my answers, i'm accepting the ideal that my answers are inside of me most of the time, and others, will unfold right before my very eyes. now, another quest, for the mental power struggle between myself, and others, will continue on in full force, more challenging than the previous, and more simpler as well.
its a reality of depression i'll just have to accept, work on, forge, and work through it.
i will win, there's no accepting less as this concludes this depression of reality.
if that doesn't sum it up, the long version will just give it more justice.
its official, i will be without the navy street underground lair. its foreclosed and back to the bank, and we are in the mist of a two week notice. so, i'll be floatin around till somethin comes up.
my car has a blown head gasket, so the old boy is down yet again. everytime i consider risking trying to fix it myself, i chicken out either by not having what i need or just flat out afraid. and paying nearly 1400 to fix it at a shop is just insane.
in most cases, significant others (just to keep it general) are usually supportive of any good or bad idea you may have, right? in my current case, not so much. she isn't very supportive and says the same shit she needs to follow herself.
but then again, i've been with her for nearly 5 months now, so i guess it doesn't bother me too badly. hell if i know why i put up with her nonsense and yet be so supportive of anything she says, regardless of its value.
we have concluded that everyone who is bad and does bad things, get away with it everytime (most of the time in my view, it can't always be everytime) and the good people, just get trampled and left for dead pretty much.
and its true, if you get too much change back at the store, and never come back, its a typical view of he said, she said, and no one will do much of anything about it, proof or not.
oh well, that's life i'm seeing it. i better train myself so i can take the trample and get up when they have their fun at my expense.